Derailed ~ Friends that aren't really like a marriage

Wow! Has is really been almost a year since I have written in here?

So where did I go you may ask.

I hope we all have those friends that you feel are almost like a marriage. You know, you feel you can get mad at each other, maybe even fight and occasionally hang up on each other, but at the end of the day.... your still friends. I thought I had several friends like that. As it turns out I have one less.

We will call my friend that is no more Pam. (not really her name) Pam and I had talked many times about the fact that we were gonna be old ladies together because even when we disagreed, the love of a real friend was still there. We got each other. We respected each others space when the other wanted to crawl in a hole for awhile and disappear. We shared everything, even some things I didn't want to know about her husband. LOL

 With my friends I don't get mad. I never get really really angry, seeing red mad. I can't. Because if I do, I lose the ability to block what is in their head, in their lives, in their homes. I can't think of anything worse to do to a friend. It's like mind rape. I never look into someones life unless invited anyway. I think that is a creepy thing to do. When I am suppose to see something, my guide will put it in front of me, but I never go looking for it. The few times I have gotten really angry with a person (not a friend), it turned out with me not being able to be their friends. I've had to keep my distance.

I thought that wouldn't happen with Pam. I was wrong. I knew when she was lying, but honestly I just didn't care. I believe that people have to live with their own lies and deceit, so who am I to judge. The one thing she did that I thought was shady she could have told me. I would have helped her figure out a way to fix it. All she had to do was trust in our friendship. That didn't happen. It got ugly. She called me stupid and other increasingly insulting names, and that is when I lost it. When I got a look in her head I was shocked. All this time I thought I had such a great friend. Instead I found out that she thought; I was in fact stupid, beneath her, close to poor white trash with too many bad habits to count, and a big push over. She told me she thought I had no integrity because I don't call people out and make them feel like squished bugs. Then she continued to lie to me. She also maliciously tried to destroy something I put a great deal of myself into. After that I guess I went into hiding (my blog included). I was angry and hurt and I couldn't understand how someone could think my friendship was worth so little. I'm a great friend, I accept people for who they are. Warts and all.

That is when I decided to walk away from the friendship. Pam and I don't talk anymore. I hear news about her from time to time and it isn't good. I feel bad for her, but I can't fix her life. I learned a long time ago, even if you are compassionate and nurturing some people can't be fixed, and some aren't worth trying. Looking back I remembered the first time I met her. I told my husband that I felt something was off with her. Too much anger and hate. I didn't listen to myself. Lesson learned.