This has only happened to me twice (this severely), but it so scary to me that I almost feel like I'll get lost.
I have a wall up, all.the.time. I can't walk into a crowd with the wall down, or I feel every little emotion. I used to work for someone that was very angry, which made me very angry. It took a while for me to figure that out. I can hear "loud thinkers," you all know a loud thinker. You could probably even pick them out of a crowd, they are usually people with few filters, say what ever pops into their head, and some times (not always) aren't the smartest people in the crowd.
When my wall falls down I get in trouble. I will think someone says something out loud, and they didn't. Or worse, what has happened in my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I hate to be touched when I'm sleeping. I have no idea why, but I do. The two times this has happened to me, I ended up wrapped around my husband like a Reese's monkey to it's mommy. He of course doesn't mind. LOL
This last time was much worse than the first time. I have to take pain medication sometimes. When I have had a day, when I have taken more than usual, or course I get very relaxed right before I fall asleep. I can't control my walls when I'm that relaxed.
A few nights ago, I'm about to fall asleep and the noises started. It is like the noise at a football game waiting to start, big crowds all talking at once. It literally sounds like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd. Then I start hearing people walking around the bedroom. Very very unnerving. I started to feel like I was almost floating away. It is hard to explain, but it was like the sound was a wave that hit me. That is when it gets scary. Then I hear someone walk into the room and I thought, "oh, one of the kids wants to come climb into bed with us." That happens at least twice a week. I felt the bed move, then a little hand reached up and settled on me knee, like a child crawling up into the bed. It even felt like the right weight as one of the kid. So I opened my eyes and there was no one there.
That is when I scooted over and wrapped myself around my husband. It isn't that I expect him to protect me some these sorts of things. In fact when we watch scary movies, or ghost stories, I always see myself as the one to step in front of the scary figure to fend them off.
He anchors me. If I touch him, several times it has just been touching him with my hand, I feel like I'm grounded. I'm not going to float away. He keeps me here with the living.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sad Watching the Train
I guess I'm in a melancholy mood today. I watch what is going on in the world and it makes me feel tired and sad. Not just in our country but around the world. We are tearing ourselves apart. It reminds me of the drug talks we used to get in elementary school. They would try to scare the kids by telling them stories about people tearing their own skin off during a "bad trip." We are on one hell of a bad trip.
I feel very passionately about few things. I usually sit back and absorb what is going on, assuming I don't have all the information. Because, lets face it, we rarely have all the information. I assume that there is much we, as humans, as citizens, as children of time, there are things we are just not supposed to know.
Occasionally, I do see what is coming though. How do I teach my children to deal with these glimpses, when I don't know how myself? I don't need validation that I'm often right. I have had some grisly confirmation to my glimmers of the future to know I no longer feel the need to doubt myself. So when I see a train running straight at a child, I know the child will be hit, and no matter how loud I scream, or rage against the train..... it does no good. I've had that very hard lesson.
So now I watch.... and there is that damn train again. This time it is a huge pile of people. Not just my children, my family, my community, but an entire world of them. How does a person deal with that in their head? I don't know. I wish I did, cause it is not fun. Not only is it seeing this tragedy unfold, but I feel it.
Bless my friends who think I am just a person with an opinion and one that disagrees with them at that, but they can't feel it; not like I can. I'm plugged into the cosmic heart ache. The anger, sadness, confusion, feeling of helplessness, and futility. At no time in history have so many people been able to share in each others struggles. We now know what is happening on the side of the planet in seconds. It removes the distance from the struggles, it becomes infectious. And we are all infected.
I doubt it will be a super bug that will infect most of the population and thin out the herd. We will all do just fine by ourselves. Never have we as a global community been so close to each other and yet so divided. I felt the world moving into a global state of compassion. Now... not so much. In fact it couldn't be further away. Even with all the altruistic movements going on, there is no compassion in them. People are not raging for their neighbors, they are raging for themselves. The greed of "I want more," is overwhelming. What boggles my mind are my friends, (some know I'm psychic, some don't) that think I'm in the group of uncharitable. Just because I can feel the emotion driving that train...
There is very little happy about the state of the world right now. I can't even say ignorance is bliss. I don't think it has anything to do with our state of global knowledge in the way one would think. It has in fact shown people millions of miles away what they can covet that they can't physically reach out and grab. The world has increasingly turned into that bratty three year old screaming "MINE" to everything that is not theirs.
Even without the eager desire to grab what others have, the division that I see is staggering. Once again as in history past, many people have taken the stand of "us against them." This makes me want to cry. I hate everyone equally. (I'm kidding) In the last 18 months or so I have watched the separation increase. I closed my eyes to it, but it is still there. Now Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Middle Easterners, Mormons, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Gays and Straights, they have all become increasingly THEM to so many US.
I feel a great cleansing of the Earth coming and I don't even know what that means. The picture in my head is a very odd one. My guides are showing me a huge green dish scrubber, rubbing down the surface of the Earth. I guess, as always, that is open to interpretation, as all my insights are.
I feel very passionately about few things. I usually sit back and absorb what is going on, assuming I don't have all the information. Because, lets face it, we rarely have all the information. I assume that there is much we, as humans, as citizens, as children of time, there are things we are just not supposed to know.
Occasionally, I do see what is coming though. How do I teach my children to deal with these glimpses, when I don't know how myself? I don't need validation that I'm often right. I have had some grisly confirmation to my glimmers of the future to know I no longer feel the need to doubt myself. So when I see a train running straight at a child, I know the child will be hit, and no matter how loud I scream, or rage against the train..... it does no good. I've had that very hard lesson.
So now I watch.... and there is that damn train again. This time it is a huge pile of people. Not just my children, my family, my community, but an entire world of them. How does a person deal with that in their head? I don't know. I wish I did, cause it is not fun. Not only is it seeing this tragedy unfold, but I feel it.
Bless my friends who think I am just a person with an opinion and one that disagrees with them at that, but they can't feel it; not like I can. I'm plugged into the cosmic heart ache. The anger, sadness, confusion, feeling of helplessness, and futility. At no time in history have so many people been able to share in each others struggles. We now know what is happening on the side of the planet in seconds. It removes the distance from the struggles, it becomes infectious. And we are all infected.
I doubt it will be a super bug that will infect most of the population and thin out the herd. We will all do just fine by ourselves. Never have we as a global community been so close to each other and yet so divided. I felt the world moving into a global state of compassion. Now... not so much. In fact it couldn't be further away. Even with all the altruistic movements going on, there is no compassion in them. People are not raging for their neighbors, they are raging for themselves. The greed of "I want more," is overwhelming. What boggles my mind are my friends, (some know I'm psychic, some don't) that think I'm in the group of uncharitable. Just because I can feel the emotion driving that train...
There is very little happy about the state of the world right now. I can't even say ignorance is bliss. I don't think it has anything to do with our state of global knowledge in the way one would think. It has in fact shown people millions of miles away what they can covet that they can't physically reach out and grab. The world has increasingly turned into that bratty three year old screaming "MINE" to everything that is not theirs.
Even without the eager desire to grab what others have, the division that I see is staggering. Once again as in history past, many people have taken the stand of "us against them." This makes me want to cry. I hate everyone equally. (I'm kidding) In the last 18 months or so I have watched the separation increase. I closed my eyes to it, but it is still there. Now Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Middle Easterners, Mormons, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Gays and Straights, they have all become increasingly THEM to so many US.
I feel a great cleansing of the Earth coming and I don't even know what that means. The picture in my head is a very odd one. My guides are showing me a huge green dish scrubber, rubbing down the surface of the Earth. I guess, as always, that is open to interpretation, as all my insights are.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Know Yourself
Do you know yourself? I think I know myself pretty well. I think every single college freshman has a professor that asks them write their own obituary. I remember doing it but I was 19 then. I know I have changed so much since my arrogant young years. And oh my was I arrogant. So many of the young and beautiful are that way. I guess we could attribute that to ignorance.
I would have to say that one thing I am extremely grateful that woke up from that state of mind. I remember being mean to people and thinking it was funny. Which is odd, because when I was much younger I wasn't like that. I was a chunky Jr. High kid. Then in High school and college I got super hot! Or so I was told. Somewhere along that journey I lost my way.
Just like an addict, hitting rock bottom is a real turning point. I don't think a great deal of people ever experience that turning point. Mine was not until I was in my late twenties. You would think that an abusive husband, (my first) would be a wake up call. Nope. My arrogance even put me in a place to refuse to see myself as a victim. For me, my awakening was not going to be anything that could happen outside of myself. For me it had to be getting sick. The kind of sick that you think about wanting to die. The kind of event that completely shakes all your beliefs and understanding of the world around you and your self.
I now know that I am a spiritual being in a human body. I live as compassionately as I can. I enjoy making people see that they are all special in their own right. Each of us is a spiritual being in a human body. Sometimes that human experience is horrible, surrounded by horrible people, horrible beliefs, and horrible understanding. I see the spiritual beings. I understand that each person goes though all their own crazies, their own human trials. Maybe that person has never had their rock bottom, maybe they never will.
For me, when I die, I hope that I touched a few people. Made a few feel special, and loved. Made a few people know they are important to someone. And that some day, it will all be so apparent to us all. Probably not while we are in our human experience, but someday.
Sometimes I even revel in my human experience and call someone as asshole when they cut me off on the freeway. At least I know that is the human of me, not the spirit of me. A mean word, doesn't make a person mean spirited.
I would have to say that one thing I am extremely grateful that woke up from that state of mind. I remember being mean to people and thinking it was funny. Which is odd, because when I was much younger I wasn't like that. I was a chunky Jr. High kid. Then in High school and college I got super hot! Or so I was told. Somewhere along that journey I lost my way.
Just like an addict, hitting rock bottom is a real turning point. I don't think a great deal of people ever experience that turning point. Mine was not until I was in my late twenties. You would think that an abusive husband, (my first) would be a wake up call. Nope. My arrogance even put me in a place to refuse to see myself as a victim. For me, my awakening was not going to be anything that could happen outside of myself. For me it had to be getting sick. The kind of sick that you think about wanting to die. The kind of event that completely shakes all your beliefs and understanding of the world around you and your self.
I now know that I am a spiritual being in a human body. I live as compassionately as I can. I enjoy making people see that they are all special in their own right. Each of us is a spiritual being in a human body. Sometimes that human experience is horrible, surrounded by horrible people, horrible beliefs, and horrible understanding. I see the spiritual beings. I understand that each person goes though all their own crazies, their own human trials. Maybe that person has never had their rock bottom, maybe they never will.
For me, when I die, I hope that I touched a few people. Made a few feel special, and loved. Made a few people know they are important to someone. And that some day, it will all be so apparent to us all. Probably not while we are in our human experience, but someday.
Sometimes I even revel in my human experience and call someone as asshole when they cut me off on the freeway. At least I know that is the human of me, not the spirit of me. A mean word, doesn't make a person mean spirited.
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