Angry

It took me a long time to learn to put up walls to block out certain things. Like sucking in all other peoples emotions. I used to work for someone that was angry and frustrated all the time. WOW, was that hard.

I am at a place now that I block out most of my friends, all of my real friends. When they need me I will open myself up a bit so I can be there for them, but usually I'm blocking. I think it is really rude of me to be constantly looking in on them. It's like spying. I don't think that is a very friendly thing to do. I hope I can figure out how to teach my children not to invade people.

I don't get angry because that is the only time I can't block. I have a really hard time shutting things out when I'm really mad. So I tend to get a look at a side of my friends that they really don't want me or anyone else seeing. I try very hard not to do this but ..... well, when pushed and I finally snap. It's not a good thing. It is like throwing all the doors and windows open and nailing them open. I get flooded. It can be very over whelming.

I recently had a friendship end. I got over the moon peeved! What I saw made me sad, angry, hurt, disgusted, and a little confused. Wow, I am amazed how well I blocked this person's true nature. A true self hater. I still am glad that I was able to block that out while we were friends. I couldn't have been a good friend if I hadn't. I will still continue to block my real friends. I think it is unethical and immoral to spy on people you love.

I was hoping this wouldn't happen

I guess my son has reached the age that he understands what a ghost is. Somewhere along the line he figured out he is suppose to be afraid of them. I have to wonder where that came from. I, first of all, don't call them ghosts. I call them spirits or just people.

My great great uncle hangs around my house sometimes. He started coming around when I was in high school. He never bothered me. I would see him around my room or my brother's room. A tall man in overalls with one arm. When I described him to my grandmother she explained that he lost his arm in a farming accident. I just knew his name too. Now he hangs around my daughter's room. I started seeing him there when we made it into the nursery. He just watches over them. When my son was younger he told me he saw him a few times.

Now that I think about it... he hasn't seen the uncle in almost a year. This afternoon I hear a scream from upstairs. My son comes running down stairs, "the doors are moving by themselves." Oh great! I suppose I should have kept up a little better, making sure he kept in touch with that part of himself. He wouldn't go back up stairs. My daughter fearlessly went upstairs and came back down. She says to him, "your right and he moved your toys." I took them both upstairs and sure enough, I could feel him. I told the kids to talk to him. He was there to protect them. My daughter is great about it, she told me she hears him all the time and it doesn't bother her. My big man is gonna have to get used to it all over again I guess.

So now my daughter keeps telling him that our house is haunted. (sigh) How can I argue with that? I can't very well say it isn't. He will probably deal with it his entire life. I suppose he just has to figure out his gifts in his own time. At least in part.

Little Mind Readers

My little mind readers just stun me sometimes. With my older son, he usually picks up on me thinking about chocolate. When I think about chocolate he will make comments to me like, "Mommy I want candy if your eating chocolate." He doesn't like chocolate. It is so funny that so far the only time he indicates that he knows what I am thinking.... it's about chocolate or candy or cookies.

Now the baby, when the baby reads my mind I laugh so hard I almost pee myself. He will just come up to me, cock his head and repeat word for word what I am thinking. Can you imagine?! A two year old saying "I'm running out of tampons." Seriously!! Well, he is almost three so he can form a sentence but it's still in a cute little baby voice. "Damn it, where is your father?" I wish I had recorded that one!!

So far my daughter hasn't picked up that little talent, not that I know of anyway. It seems it's the boys that are picking up on it. I am getting better about putting my walls up too. Somethings could be damaging to their little minds if they pick them out of mine. They don't need to know intimates of my marriage to their Daddy. I'm going to have to teach them to block it out too.

I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to teach children how to be selective when pick up on people's hidden lives. They are so innocent and I don't want to ruin that for them. But listening to the whole world of crazies can be a bit hard to deal with at times. They need to know when to turn it off and how. I didn't learn that until I was in my mid twenties.

Hmm....... they don't really have a book for this one. Maybe once I figure it out I can write one.

Stuck in my head again...

When I was sick before and I had to deal with all that pain, I was very much trapped by it. You don't really see much outside of it. I had surgery that was suppose to fix my Trigeminal Neuralgia and it did for about 8 years. Then it started coming back bit by bit. Still, it is not near as bad as it used to be. I keep thinking though that I have to go through this so that my kids don't have to. I have no idea if there is any reality in that but it helps get me through.

Now I am having pain all over my body. Fibromyalgia was discussed before when I was sick, but then the TN was zeroed in on. I go to bed every night and I feel like I have one big body cramp. Everything hurts, it's slowly getting worse. So I just keep thinking that I am going through this so that my children , or even some other child, won't have to. My mother asked me if we plan out our paths before we come to Earth, then I should just be able to say "lesson learned" and moved on. Right? I don't really think it works that way.

Now this is where I get stuck in my head. If I've already done the pain thing, why as I still having it. What other lesson could I possibly be here to learn. I now know more than some Doctors and some Nurses. When I do have a reason to go to the hospital, nurses usually ask if I'm a nurse because I speak the lingo. Maybe I'm here to educate others? I know that I had a very difficult time finding a Dr that knew my condition in 1998. I printed out all of the research I did on TN and carried it around with me, so that every time I had an issue I could pull it out and say "see it is a real thing."

Then of course there is the guilt. Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Why? I have no clue. I think I am a mentally level person. I am my own kind of crazy, but my shrink says that's OK. He thinks I'm a very logical and together person. I have been psycho analyzing myself since I was 13, when I had a nervous break down. So I may just be over thinking again.  I know part of my problems are the way I eat. I just ate a whole cucumber, which sounds really good.  Right? Not if you have Chrones and veggies set it off. My body craves fruits and veggies, but they flush through my system so fast that I rarely get the nutrition from them that I need. That could also cause the body cramping and muscle pain. I am allergic to milk so I don't get a lot of calcium, that could also cause the body cramping and muscle pain. AND I have a thing called hyper extensive joints. My ligaments and joints are gummy. My physical therapist called me a gummi bear. In my research I found that women with this joint condition are more likely to come down with Fibromyalgia. So? AM I doing this to myself? I do take vitamins and try to eat what I can keep in me longer than 20 minutes.

I do a really good job of pretending to be pain free and feeling good most of the time. Why would I do that you may ask? People. I love my friends. I always try to make others comfortable. I try to always be compassionate to others issues. For the most part, people are uncomfortable being around someone with a chronic issue. Then of course there are the ones that think I must be an addict and/or a liar. My husband and doctor keep me on a short leash, at my request. I think that is all about guilt too.

How weird is that, that I don't do embarrassment or regret, but guilt... I guess that must be different somehow.

Honesty

Are you honest? If you are, then are you kind? Can you be both? If your truly honest, you should tell people what they don't want to hear. Right? "Speak your truth," a friend used to say that to me all the time. I don't think that was her own though. She isn't my friend anymore. Partly because in her honesty, she forgave herself cruelty.

So if your an honest person, you will know what is real, what is truth, and what is necessary to say. I believe I am honest. I'll answer honestly any question that someone bothers to ask me. I don't think I'm cruel though. In fact I would rather pull out my eye teeth, than be cruel to anyone. I believe that most people that believe themselves to be hardcore truth tellers seriously lack all compassion. I don't really understand how someone that is honest can miss the ugliness in that.

I've been told I'm a sugar coater, or deliver bad truths in a fluffy way. Why is that a bad thing? If I am telling someone something they don't want to here, or "speaking my truth," why can't I do it in a way that lessens the sting. You know, now that I think about it, I think that it is the introduction to all these self empowering books and seminars that have made so many people loose touch with compassion. I can tell someone, "sorry hon, your husband is cheating" in my way. I don't have to scream at them, "what the hell, he is a man whore and your an idiot to stay!" Seriously? That is just mean. But many of these books say you should put your self first and stand up for yourself. How that translates into being cruel is beyond me.

Glacier

This was from awhile ago when I found out a bunch of ladies had a burr up their butt and I some how ended up in the middle of it.
I couldn't sleep so I started meditating and I asked "what am I suppose to do with all this now?" And I got some very odd responces. Thought I would share.
1) Everything is relative. We are all in our own heads with our own experiences and our own needs.

2) The world moves. All of nature is in constant movement. We each could be the glacier standing still or the slow moving plants on the edge or the fast moving, running straight ahead herd. But it is all in constant movement. So I asked "which am I?" and in return I got "which are you?" So my spirit guides can be smart asses.

This is what I came up with. I am a pillar on the glacier. I am standing up to see everything around me but I'm standing still and quite. As nature sweeps by me I get hit sometimes. So I asked "why am I getting hit?" In responce I hear: Some are running full steam ahead and don't see you, so they hit you without even knowing it. Some are moving along leisurely and bump into you just because you are in their surroundings. And still others are looking for something to try to knock down. Because they don't have anything else to do, or they want to be near you and don't know how else to go about it, or because they need to just knock something over.

I thought about that for a few minutes. I don't think I am standing still though. I mean I think that would mean I just let life pass me by. Right? Nope. The glacier is moving slowly down the hill. The Earth is always in rotation. As the universe moves so do each one of us.

I chewed on that for awhile. It usually takes me a couple days for stuff like that to sink in.  I guess I was hurt that some of my "friends" may think me capable or even willing to be apart of pettiness but I'm ok now. We each have our own reasons for needing to believe the worse in others or not. We each have our own lessons to learn. So if MY part in all this helps someone move forward in their universe so be it.