To my children

When I was pregnant with the twins I started a journal for each of them. I used to write in it all the time, up until they were about 18 months. Then I got out of the habit. I still haven't got past the first page for the youngest. I do plan on writing in them more, and then giving the journal to each of them when they are older. If anything happens to me, they or I get too embarrassed to talk about something, or I just forget, I want them to know how I feel about certain things.

Like with my boys I will tell them; don't pick at your testicles EVER unless your alone (no one wants to see that, and women really find it icky), when you kiss you need a little suction cause drool is disgusting, don't stand around with your mouth open (it makes you look stupid), groom, groom well, make sure ear, nose, eyebrow hair is where it is suppose to be or gone, and no one likes hairy shoulders. There are plenty of things that I'm sure my future daughters in law will thank me for. With my daughter I will tell her how to fix things, never be afraid to give your opinion, groom, groom well men notice, and don't feel the need to be catty, it just makes you look like a bitch. I want to tell her more about being strong, but with my boys I want to remind them to be gentle. That is a little funny. I think more than anything I just want to give them little hints to make them happy in adult life. Getting there often sucks and is always difficult.

I do want to support them if they have the "gifts", I'm pretty sure my son does. At the same time I want to protect them from what comes with it. People thinking your crazy, or lying, or sometimes worse... they believe you. There is a lot of responsibility that goes with that. Some people want to ask you about every detail, of every day, of every person they have ever known. Some people want you to psychically stalk others. Some people will inevitably make you responsible for their woes and missteps. Free will is a bitch, especially to people who are full of fear.

I also want to instill in them my sense of skepticism. They should question events, stories, people, thoughts, faiths, ghosts, voices, and anything doesn't start and end with themselves. I don't mean mistrust. I don't mistrust everything and everyone. I'm not overly trusting either. More like I don't trust or mistrust, unless I have to. Goes back to living through my gut. I think I'm a pretty logical person. I didn't used to be. I used to be emotional, extremely emotional. Does that mean I outgrew it? I have no idea. Yet another thing that changed when I went through all my pain.

And this is yet another example of me getting stuck in my head.

My idea of God

I believe many of my friends think that I don't believe in God. My husband thinks he is an Atheist (he is just a recovering Catholic).  I do believe in God. My idea of the almighty is just very different than most people's. First of all I hate organized religion. Today it has turned into religious business. The bigger the church with the most toys and the most members wins. It is sickening. I also don't think that people should be nice to one another just because they have the fear of being doomed to a fiery pit of evil writhing demons torturing them if they don't. Good people should be good because it is the right and moral thing to do. Kindness is the only real gift we can give eachother.

We, as souls are just conscience bits of energy. Energy does not end, it just changes forms. So when we die, our souls go home. We retain our individualism, but also plug back into the greater flow of energy. God to me, is that greater flow of energy as a whole. God is the larger picture that peices us all together. The same energy is in the trees and the grass, in the birds and butterflies. All of us and everything around us is all tied together. Sadly everything must die to make room for rebirth. If a fire didn't burn down the trees, a mountain would become so overgrown that the growth kills each other off. So it's the fire or other vegetation, but everything has to die to make room for the young.

I do also believe that the black souls, like Dalmer, Hitler, Stalin, the really ugly people are like ash in the wind. When they die they just disintgrate and dissolve, not plugging back into the great flow but more like become our wake. The trail left behind.

So God is all around us, in us, larger than us.

My life of intuition

I live my entire life by my gut. My intuition guides me in all aspects of living. With my children I mostly ran on auto. With the twins they were sick, born  prematurely, so I was up ever 1 1/2 hours to give them medicine and feed them. It may have been my guides telling me which way to go, who to feed first, when to wake up, how to give them the medicine, it may have just been what ever part of me "knows." When they got a bit older and would both cry and fall apart, my intuition told me to put them in their cribs, make sure they were safe, and walk away. When a mother is at the brink and so frustrated and tired, that is when children get hurt. Because I would put them in their cribs when I was at my wits end, their cribs became their "safety zone." When they were scared they wanted to go to bed. Even at my mothers, when frustrated, they went to the cribs. I also believe that this is why they have always been such good sleepers. At 3 months they were sleeping 12 hours a night, and took two 2 hour naps a day. They are still very good sleepers. My intelligent didn't tell me as a new mother that it would all play out this way. A higher power did though, and I listened.

So I still run my life with my gut. Sometimes I forget to listen. I will look at my sweater and think, "I'll need that." Then I leave with out it. "Pay that bill today," I'll put it off, then it is late. I have tons of little things that I think I should have listened to myself. Thankfully when it really counts though I listen. Although, when it is really important my guides get pretty loud.

When one of my friends is hurting or needs to talk, I instinctively know I need to call them. I am very in tune with my close friends and know when they need to be alone too. So I run my friendships with my gut also. When to go shopping, when the kids are up to another mess, when the cats are sick, when my husband needs some extra loving, all through my intuition. I think I like the word "Intuition" much better than "psychic." But telling someone that I am an Intuit, usually just confuses them.

And so the point of this entry. Just like everything else in my life, my politics also are decided by my gut. I try not to talk specifics in politics because frankly, it makes me feel stupid. I know what I know. That doesn't work in more debates.  Even though I do pay attention, and know on paper why I feel the way I do, or vote the way I do, I forget details. I think because of all the meds. I took while I was in all that pain, I have swiss cheese memory. Most people use that as an excuse to think I just don't know what I'm talking about. Oh well.

So far in my life, living by my gut has worked exceptionally well for me. When I do something on a whim it always turns out to be the best thing I could possibly do. I recently went back to school on a whim. I feel like I'm really doing something, and can help people more effectively once I graduate.

Fear

Fearless. That was a hard place to get too. I can't say I am completely 100% fearless, though. I am afraid everyday that the pain will come back. But still, I know when it comes to all the things everyone else is afraid of, I'm just not. I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid of family dying. Why would I be, I can still talk to the living if I'm dead and the dead if I'm living. I'm not afraid to be left alone, I have been alone and survived. I'm not afraid of confrontation, what is the worse that can happen? Well I suppose if someone got mad enough they could kill me, but I'm not afraid to die.

A friend of mine asked me how I can stand to see all the death and destruction in the world. Aren't I afraid of it, doesn't it depress me. It is true that when I stretch out my gift I can see tragedies all over the world that aren't on the news. I suppose it all boils down to faith. I trust the universe to balance itself out. Everything in nature needs balance, that is why we breath the air provided by trees. It all falls into a circle that stays in balance. Yin and Yang. We need the dark to balance out the light.

More over though, I believe we all choose our own path before we are born. We all know that we are coming to Earth to learn a lesson. We choose our lessons, then are born. We have to forget all of that when we are born because if we consciencely new the lessons, we would blow through them in the easiest way possible. So our souls know the lessons and we put ourselves on the path that will best teach us that lesson. We either choose to learn it, or not. So people that life in war torn countries are learning the lessons they choose. I feel bad for them and I wish I could protect them or save then. But I have faith that this is the way it has to be for now. Even if these people were saved from their horrible conditions, if they didn't learn their lesson, they will just be put back into that situation or worse. So that is how I deal with the human travesties of the world. I still give to charities and help when ever I can. I believe that is because part of my lesson in this life is to be selfless.

Just because I'm not afraid doesn't mean others aren't. So when I can I try to ease those fears, and help the ones effected. Some other time I'll talk about us all being one. Helping others in turn is you, helping yourself.

One Up

I am a person of stories. I have a story for just about everything under the sun and moon. I don't always tell my stories because I hate to be rude. I would hate that everyone think I'm a "one upper." If I am in a conversation that isn't about the stories, but about the person, I usually won't share because it will take away from their story. Sometimes I'll give a short bit if I think it will make them feel better, or let them know I can empathize with them.

But generally I have stories. In high school a girl followed me off the buss because she didn't like me talking to her boyfriend. I knew this was coming. I actually had dreams about saying something to her and then everyone at school think I was nuts, then I would be the crazy girl. Well one day she follows me off the buss and tells me that she is gonna kick my ass. According to her I should not have been talking to her man (who I knew before she did). As we are leaving the buss I turned and said the stupidest thing ever! I said, "If your gonna hit me, just remember you don't like it when your step dad hits you." Whoa...... remember, don't read another persons mind that already wants to kick your ass. I exposed a secret and it only made it worse on me. Worse in the way a history book hurts up side the head.  Don't worry. I was really sore, but I have a brother, she looked worse.

Then there is the "I was robbed once stories." You know your sharing stories with co workers or ladies at a get together. Well..... I have been robbed. When I was in Jr. High I was spending the night at a girlfriends house. We hear some talking outside at about 3AM. We watched these guys surround her house and go looking around her back yard. We woke up her dad and he pulled a shot gun out, pulled open the window and stuck the gun (from the second story) right in this guys face. He said, "hey, what you doing poking around my house?" In a very thick German accent. The guy said looking for my dog. LOL He said "get your friends the fuck out of my yard and go away." They did, but they also had a big gun with them. It was a bit scary.  Then when I was about 28 I was in a bank robbery. He walked right past me, I had my back to him and I saw everything that was gonna happen in a flash. He pulled out a gun from the overly hot coat he was wearing in the middle of the summer and told the girl at the counter to fill up a grocery bag then turned to leave. As soon as I realized what the vision was I looked up and he walked right past me and out the door. They locked us inside until the FBI got there. I didn't get scared until later that night I realized I could have been shot. He was arrested without further incident 4 blocks away.

Throughout my blog I'm sure you'll discover a reoccurring theme. My stories, my abilities, and my kids. I like that I have so many stories. I think I have used up my 9 lives though. The illness's, accidents, mishaps, broken parts, medications, car crunches.... most people think I have medical training because I know a lot about so many meds and so much about obscure illnesses. Maybe I should have been a Dr. Better yet, maybe I was one in a past life?

I do remember two of my past lives vividly. One I was a very large black man, I believe it was in New York, in the 1920's. I could no other job so I made money street fighting, boxing in the day. I was good at it too. Biggest problem for me in that lifetime was that I was gay. My lover was a small white guy, he was a journalist. I remember the love between us. He looked a lot like my husband now, maybe it is him reincarnated.

The other past live I only remember the end of. I was a pretty girl with brown braids. I think maybe 20 years old. My father had a farm, or maybe it was a ranch. I was wearing a blue dress with ruffles on the sleeves. A very large man followed me into the barn one day, he worked the land for my father. He smelled bad, always made me feel creepy, dirty. He jumped on me, wrestled me into the ground and started grabbing at the neck of my dress.  I remember the dusty smell of hay, the smell of animals and his rank breath. I just kept staring at those eyes. I know those eyes. I knew those eyes. I died that day from him squeezing my neck until it broke. I remembered those eyes again in a flood of memory one day during my first marriage. He picked me up by my neck and pushed me into a wall, told me that I left him he would kill anyone that tried to help me. Those eyes. He'd killed me once....... I left that day.

My Head

Sometimes I get stuck in my head. I really don't know if other people get stuck like I do. If I get really drunk I can pull myself in and go somewhere else. It is like looking out a window. Everything I say and do, is like watching the weather outside the house I'm in. This may not even make sense to anyone but me. There is a place I go when I start wandering in my mind.

I usually will enter what looks like a campsite. I take a seat at a fire that is blue and white. It doesn't give out real heat, not like fire, but a soul warmth, more like love. It is a place of bonding, closeness, and energy that flows as one though all of us at the campsite. I'm not alone. My spirit guides are with me. I can talk to them anytime; in the grocery store, while I'm on the phone, when I'm meditating, while I'm giving someone a reading. When we are around the fire though, it is more like a family reunion. I can put my arms around them there. We talk about them and their lives, now and then. My world and theirs. Where we are I suppose would be what most people call Heaven.

In this place there is no worry, stress, hurt, or anger. My guides: Maddie, Edgar, Edward, Gwendolyn, and Samuel, connect me to everything else. The odd thing, if only one thing could be odd, is that I think Samuel is Mark Twain. He looks just like the pictures of Mark Twain, and one night when I was watching a show about Mark Twain's house he said, "I was so happy there." I say "I think" because he won't answer me out right when I ask if he is the same person. They all have wicked senses of humor. Maddie is the one that warns me when I'm not paying attention. She told me to pull over in the rain once. Ten miles up the road a semi truck jackknifed and took out 4 other cars. It would have been my car. Another time she told me to pull over then showed me getting hit by a dump truck. Not even 20 seconds later, 4 dump trucks ran a red light. She told me to get away from a guy one night when I went with my sister after a night of drinking. I ended up kicking him in the chest when he wouldn't take no for an answer.

My guides are the same thing that most people call intuition. We all have it; it is in every person. You just have to learn to listen. Think of a radio. If you have it tuned (but not perfectly) you hear the words, but you also hear a lot of static. I just happen to not have any static. It is tuned perfectly for me. I can also carry on a conversation with my radio.

Now if I could just give one of them to give me the lotto numbers.

Scary Little Kid

As much as my oldest son is a real stinker he is also my most gifted. I mean he sees dead people just like I do. It has been an interesting journey so far, watching him become more aware. He also can read my mind. I have to be really careful to remember to shield myself when I'm thinking about something she should hear. Like how I would like to run that lady that just cut me off into a ditch.


Many many times I have been making them breakfast and I'll be thinking about chocolate. The little man will walk over and say, "mommy I want chocolate too." He doesn't even like chocolate. He has also told me about things from history as though he were there. It has become so common  place now that I don't remember most of it. He told me once that cars are suppose to be cranked to start. That sort of thing.


I have an uncle several generations back that lost half his arm in a farming accident. I've seen him many times. He just hangs around and watches over me. I've been aware of him since I was in high school. How can you miss a man with one arm? One night we were all sitting eating dinner and the living room light went off. I turned it back on, it turned itself off. This went on for a few minutes and my little many says "oh that's uncle Henry." I have never mentioned his name before so I asked, "how do you know that?" He says, "cause he only has one arm, duh." But of course he does.


I have been told by friends and family that have known me my whole life that, sometimes I just knew things. I don't remember any of that from when I was a kid. I guess it wasn't made into anything so I just ignored it. Then I went into my denial stage. I blocked it out. My sister used to get me drunk at parties she would have so that I would give readings. Her friends were always amazed, honestly so was I. It's just something I can do. And I just kept on blocking it out.


When I as about to leave my first marriage an old lady came to me. Basically she told me I needed to be true to myself and get moving. Leave while I still could. So I left. Really horrible excuse for a human being, he was. I saw this lady everywhere. I heard her, saw her, smelled roses around her, even carried on conversations with her. I started calling her Grandma Rosie. Sometimes I would have dreams about her and she always had white roses around her. I was telling my Grandmother about this one day and she went to get a picture. This picture she showed me was a very old black and white photo of three women and three children. She asked if I recognized her. I pointed to one of the ladies and said "that's her." Turns out that was my great great great grandmother Rose White.


That was the beginning of me acknowledging my gifts.

Earrings and Regrets

I used to have these earrings that I absolutely LOVED!  They were little outhouses. If you opened the door, you saw a little guy sitting in there reading a newspaper. If you pulled him out, you actually saw a little toilet. They were made of pewter. Someone took a lot of time making these little things. I'm not sure why I liked them so much, maybe they were just that funny. Of course I also used to have blinking eyeball earrings and I would wear a 45 record around my pony tails. Talk about different. I have never been one for embarrassment. I just think it is a waste. I also have never been one for regrets. You do it, you did it, move on. You either learn from it or you don't.

I do however have one regret. I am just biding my time waiting for an opportunity to make it up to Karma. I guess I feel like I disturbed the balance and I need to restore it. So here I sit waiting...... waiting.......  waiting.......  for a jury summons. Yep, I really want to serve on a jury. I have been in two jury's. The second was a drunk driving case. I got that one right, he went to jail. The first one though was a civil case, a custody case. The mom talked about suicide at one time, the dad was a total control freak douche. I knew, knew he was messing with the youngest daughter. I knew it. But of course psychic inclinations are not allowed to be considered in jury decisions. The father got custody because we had a bully on the jury. He was military, the dad was military, and he said a military man was just better for the kids. (rolleyes) Myself and one other lady were the only ones that saw through the father. Afterward I got to talk to the mom. She caught the dad in a locked room with the youngest girl several times. Her lawyer thought it would just sound like she was making stuff up, so they didn't introduce any of that behavior. I screwed up. I should have stuck to my guns. I was in a situation to protect that little girl and I folded.

Now I have one regret.

I wish I were a turtle

I went to bed last night thinking about water. I thought maybe it was because I have a horrendous cold, I need to drink a lot of water. I made one really big Mommy mistake. Never ever, no matter how bad it is, take cold medicine in the middle of the night. I woke up 1/2 hour late this morning.

Now let me just say that my children are masters at destruction. They should be paid. So this morning wasn't a surprise, nor was it the worst I have experienced.

We had a brand new, filled to the top, water bottle on the cooler. The ENTIRE bottle is now on my kitchen floor. As it turns out the lowest part of my kitchen is my pantry. Yep, they flooded my kitchen and pantry. The little one was in his jammies laying on the floor, when I walked in. He says, "look mommy, I'm a towel." Ok that was cute. My daughter was trying to clean it up with a washcloth. My floor has never been cleaner.

 That is how it happens most of the time. I will get a feeling or a nudge and not take a closer look at it. I am always saying I need to listen to myself. Maybe if I had looked at the thought of water I might have known that the kids were going to flood the kitchen. Maybe not. Either way I would really like to go back to bed. Even just pull my head into my shell for a bit.

Gee where to start?

Currently I am a "older student" returning to college. Because I am so busy on any given day I chose to take classes online. I have to say that I am just stunned at how stupid the average student is. Whoever let these kids past Jr. High needs to be fired. Whoever let them past High School needs to be flayed. "I gots junk on my mind" is not a college level sentence. I printed a copy of an a submission for an assignment for my class and carried it in my bag for a week. I showed it to many people, because I simply could not do it justice. Explaining it to people just made me sound like I was making fun and exaggerating. I also think it is very possible that college is wasted on the young. Not that hard people, cat C-A-T.

For the first time I put the fact that I am psychic in a school paper. I totally expected to fail the paper. I got a perfect grade. Why do I find that kinda funny? Because I hate the word. Hate that I am one. I have been trying to come up with a better word for it. How about ALL KNOWING OZ? Oh yeah, that's taken. When someone tells me they have the gift, the first thing that runs through my mind is, "oh sure you are." I think that 90% of  psychics are fakers, and/or con-artists. Ok maybe a few of those are deluded nutballs too. I don't tell too many people because what invariably happens is I start getting hounded to do "readings." I don't mind reading for my friends and family. I don't mind an occasional stranger, but there is a time and a place for everything. And these people that can't take a shit without asking a psychic first...... I call them psychic addicts..... That is sick, get a life. I used to work for a psychic phone line. I felt like it was such a waste. (sigh)