Grounding my Anchor

This has only happened to me twice (this severely), but it so scary to me that I almost feel like I'll get lost.

I have a wall up, all.the.time. I can't walk into a crowd with the wall down, or I feel every little emotion. I used to work for someone that was very angry, which made me very angry. It took a while for me to figure that out. I can hear "loud thinkers," you all know a loud thinker. You could probably even pick them out of a crowd, they are usually people with few filters, say what ever pops into their head, and some times (not always) aren't the smartest people in the crowd.

When my wall falls down I get in trouble. I will think someone says something out loud, and they didn't. Or worse, what has happened in my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I hate to be touched when I'm sleeping. I have no idea why, but I do. The two times this has happened to me, I ended up wrapped around my husband like a Reese's monkey to it's mommy. He of course doesn't mind. LOL

This last time was much worse than the first time. I have to take pain medication sometimes. When I have had a day, when I have taken more than usual, or course I get very relaxed right before I fall asleep. I can't control my walls when I'm that relaxed.

A few nights ago, I'm about to fall asleep and the noises started. It is like the noise at a football game waiting to start, big crowds all talking at once. It literally sounds like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd. Then I start hearing people walking around the bedroom. Very very unnerving. I started to feel like I was almost floating away. It is hard to explain, but it was like the sound was a wave that hit me. That is when it gets scary. Then I hear someone walk into the room and I thought, "oh, one of the kids wants to come climb into bed with us." That happens at least twice a week.  I felt the bed move, then a little hand reached up and settled on me knee, like a child crawling up into the bed. It even felt like the right weight as one of the kid. So I opened my eyes and there was no one there.

That is when I scooted over and wrapped myself around my husband. It isn't that I expect him to protect me some these sorts of things. In fact when we watch scary movies, or ghost stories, I always see myself as the one to step in front of the scary figure to fend them off.

He anchors me. If I touch him, several times it has just been touching him with my hand, I feel like I'm grounded. I'm not going to float away. He keeps me here with the living.

Sad Watching the Train

I guess I'm in a melancholy mood today. I watch what is going on in the world and it makes me feel tired and sad. Not just in our country but around the world. We are tearing ourselves apart. It reminds me of the drug talks we used to get in elementary school. They would try to scare the kids by telling them stories about people tearing their own skin off during a "bad trip." We are on one hell of a bad trip.

I feel very passionately about few things. I usually sit back and absorb what is going on, assuming I don't have all the information. Because, lets face it, we rarely have all the information. I assume that there is much we, as humans, as citizens, as children of time, there are things we are just not supposed to know.

Occasionally, I do see what is coming though. How do I teach my children to deal with these glimpses, when I don't know how myself? I don't need validation that I'm often right. I have had some grisly confirmation to my glimmers of the future to know I no longer feel the need to doubt myself. So when I see a train running straight at a child, I know the child will be hit, and no matter how loud I scream, or rage against the train..... it does no good. I've had that very hard lesson.

So now I watch.... and there is that damn train again. This time it is a huge pile of people. Not just my children, my family, my community, but an entire world of them. How does a person deal with that in their head? I don't know. I wish I did, cause it is not fun. Not only is it seeing this tragedy unfold, but I feel it.

Bless my friends who think I am just a person with an opinion and one that disagrees with them at that, but they can't feel it; not like I can. I'm plugged into the cosmic heart ache. The anger, sadness, confusion, feeling of helplessness, and futility.  At no time in history have so many people been able to share in each others struggles. We now know what is happening on the side of the planet in seconds. It removes the distance from the struggles, it becomes infectious. And we are all infected.

I doubt it will be a super bug that will infect most of the population and thin out the herd. We will all do just fine by ourselves. Never have we as a global community been so close to each other and yet so divided. I felt the world moving into a global state of compassion. Now... not so much. In fact it couldn't be further away. Even with all the altruistic movements going on, there is no compassion in them. People are not raging for their neighbors, they are raging for themselves. The greed of "I want more," is overwhelming. What boggles my mind are my friends, (some know I'm psychic, some don't) that think I'm in the group of uncharitable. Just because I can feel the emotion driving that train...

There is very little happy about the state of the world right now. I can't even say ignorance is bliss. I don't think it has anything to do with our state of global knowledge in the way one would think. It has in fact shown people millions of miles away what they can covet that they can't physically reach out and grab. The world has increasingly turned into that bratty three year old screaming "MINE" to everything that is not theirs.

Even without the eager desire to grab what others have, the division that I see is staggering. Once again as in history past, many people have taken the stand of "us against them." This makes me want to cry. I hate everyone equally. (I'm kidding) In the last 18 months or so I have watched the separation increase. I closed my eyes to it, but it is still there. Now Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Middle Easterners, Mormons, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Gays and Straights, they have all become increasingly THEM to so many US.

I feel a great cleansing of the Earth coming and I don't even know what that means. The picture in my head is a very odd one. My guides are showing me a huge green dish scrubber, rubbing down the surface of the Earth. I guess, as always, that is open to interpretation, as all my insights are.

Know Yourself

Do you know yourself? I think I know myself pretty well. I think every single college freshman has a professor that asks them write their own obituary. I remember doing it but I was 19 then. I know I have changed so much since my arrogant young years. And oh my was I arrogant. So many of the young and beautiful are that way. I guess we could attribute that to ignorance.

I would have to say that one thing I am extremely grateful that woke up from that state of mind. I remember being mean to people and thinking it was funny. Which is odd, because when I was much younger I wasn't like that. I was a chunky Jr. High kid. Then in High school and college I got super hot! Or so I was told. Somewhere along that journey I lost my way.

Just like an addict, hitting rock bottom is a real turning point. I don't think a great deal of people ever experience that turning point. Mine was not until I was in my late twenties. You would think that an abusive husband, (my first) would be a wake up call. Nope. My arrogance even put me in a place to refuse to see myself as a victim. For me, my awakening was not going to be anything that could happen outside of myself. For me it had to be getting sick. The kind of sick that you think about wanting to die. The kind of event that completely shakes all your beliefs and understanding of the world around you and your self.

I now know that I am a spiritual being in a human body. I live as compassionately as I can. I enjoy making people see that they are all special in their own right. Each of us is a spiritual being in a human body. Sometimes that human experience is horrible, surrounded by horrible people, horrible beliefs, and horrible understanding. I see the spiritual beings. I understand that each person goes though all their own crazies, their own human trials. Maybe that person has never had their rock bottom, maybe they never will.

For me, when I die, I hope that I touched a few people. Made a few feel special, and loved. Made a few people know they are important to someone. And that some day, it will all be so apparent to us all. Probably not while we are in our human experience, but someday.

Sometimes I even revel in my human experience and call someone as asshole when they cut me off on the freeway. At least I know that is the human of me, not the spirit of me. A mean word, doesn't make a person mean spirited.

I am an addict

I'll admit to it. I'm addicted to technology. I love my smart phone. I love my iPad. I can't live without my computer. The DVR is my best friend.  I am typing this on my computer that crashed, so I'm moving at a snails pace. I can't tell what I'm typing because I'm typing two paragraphs ahead of what I can see. LOL

I had a report due, a very important report. My computer crashed, my documents where corrupted, and I couldn't share them with any one off my computer. So I had to use my husbands work computer to retype everything and then send it along. I tried to send it off my mothers computer first. That is how I found out the documents are corrupted.  It is a good thing that I have so many people around me that are also addicted to tech.

I don't understand people that use technology as an excuse for their own laziness. Did you know that you can go to McDonald's and use their Internet, should yours go out? You can also go to the Starbucks. If your computer goes down, go to the public library. Although, everyone knows someone that has access to a computer. When I was visiting my mother in law, she has no computer access, her very kind neighbor let me take a test on their computer. So I don't buy the "my Internet went down." Whaaa....  I've even taken a flash drive into a computer store and ask to test it. They usually don't mind if they think they might sell something.

I can also read most things on the iPad, and on my phone. I can't answer a lot of reports on the  iPad, but I can on the phone. It just takes a long time with the little buttons. LOL The iPad doesn't like to create seperate paragraphs.  I know plenty of people that have smart phones, even if they don't have a laptop computer.

I know one person that can't feed their children, but has a smart phone. This person texts all the time, surfs the Internet, lives on Facebook, and is glued to that little bit of technology. You want to know what the food stamps paid for? Yep.... that phone, for a person that sells the stamps and doesn't feed the children. They get $700 a month in food stamps. I don't feed a family of 5 on $700 a month. I spend much less than that. Before you take offense at what I am saying, if your reading this, I'm not talking about you. This person is too self centered and selfish to read the words of someone else. That and I don't believe this person can read anything other than textese. Or gansta speak.

Bad Drivers

After I got hit by a lady running a red light, I would burst into tears anytime I ran a yellow light, or anyone I was riding with ran a yellow light. I became more understanding of people driving slowly. I thought maybe they were going through something like I did after my accident so I was more forgiving.

However, a slow driver is completely different from a BAD driver. It doesn't matter what state I am driving in, they are everywhere. I don't understand how people can't understand that if your entering a freeway, you need to speed up. It is just plain dangerous to slow down to enter a freeway, it disrupts traffic and can cause accidents. So what are these people thinking?! Slowing to 45 mph when your jumping into a 60 mph zone is just plain stupid. Yep I said it, these are some dim bulbs.

Another one is those people that are in a turn only lane, then decide to go straight. Again, accident waiting to happen. How hard is it to just turn, then turn around? These are accidents trying to happen.

The ones that drive so close to your bumper you can't see their grill or licence plate. Your brakes aren't that good, Buddy! Is it some sort of contest, to see how close you can get to the car in front of you?

Let's not forget the weavers. I can't figure out why people drive so crazy, just to get ahead one car. Then of course you always meet up with them at the red light. Got real far, didn't you? Hurry up and wait. LOL

Whenever I see drivers like this, that are bound and determined to kill someone, I put a bubble around them. I visualize a bullet proof bubble around them, that is fluffy on the outside. So when they crash, because they are going to eventually, they only hurt themselves and not everyone else on the road. I like to think it works.

Don't get me wrong. When the kids aren't in the car I speed. But, I also know how to read traffic and don't make needless and stupid maneuvers that get me no where. I always drive with a bubble around my car too. I have angels protecting me. I have parking angels too. I ask them to jump ahead and make sure I can get a really good parking spot. Know what? It works! I get parking spots right up front 98% of the time. The rest of the times I forget to ask them to jump ahead for me.

Hauntings and Spirit Portals

I've only had one experience that made me uncomfortable.

I lived in South Carolina for a short time. I was in an apartment, then my father got a job opportunity near me, so my parents moved there. I moved into the bottom level of their three level house.  That was a beautiful home. I would have bought it if I had the opportunity. I had a living room, bathroom, bedroom and an extra room, as well as a screened in patio. Supposedly the former owner's father died upstairs from cancer.  The first few weeks the house was very quite.

I don't remember exactly when it started. I started feeling something in my room at night. It didn't scare me, just made me very aware of it. One night I head a giggle right in my ear. Of course I sat up and turned the lights, nothing was there. After that, it got more intense. It was clearly a little girl. She started waking me up in the middle of the night. I felt her right in my face. One night she actually asked me to play with her. The feel was so intense, it became unnerving.

I started sleeping with my TV on for the noise. That didn't really help, so I started sleeping with the lights on too. I was not scared. Not really. It was just too much. She was always there, about two inches from my face. Finally I had enough of getting very little sleep. I asked her to leave. Told her she would be much happier if she passed over. She could find her family, and they would play with her. She actually went away after that. However the weirdness didn't stop.

One night I was laying there and I woke up to the sound of a party. It sounded like there were a group of people upstairs in the kitchen, laughing and talking. I actually heard ice clinking around in glasses. I just layed there for a few minutes thinking  my dad was hanging out with some friends. Until I remembered that he was out of town. I peeked up stairs, the noise went away and the kitchen was empty. The next night I heard the same thing, as well as hearing someone walking up and down the stairs. My dad was still out of town so I went upstairs to my mom's room and asked if I could sleep with her. She said sure, but didn't even ask me why. After I got all settled in, I felt someone sit on the bed. I looked over my mother was still laying there. It felt like someone sat on the corner of the bed. They were heavy enough that I slip down the bed a little bit. Very Very strange.

The next morning my mother asked why I came up to sleep with her. She said, "did you hear the party in the kitchen." We were both stunned. We had the same experience, even someone sitting on the bed. My mom experienced that right before I came upstairs. We didn't live there much longer after that. Not because of the activity, it just worked out that way. It never happened when my dad was home. Hm... I wonder why?

I suppose that this house was, what my grandmother called, as spirit portal. A place that spirits continue the journey to the other side. She believed her farm house was a spirit portal. When the neighbors dog died she swore she heard that dog barking all through the house for two days. All of us grandchildren saw odd things from time to time. My brother was touched as an adult when we went to visit. My cousin saw children sitting on the steps to the apartment upstairs. I always felt a man in the basement. My grandmother of course always had better stories than any of us witnessed.

Wiggie Wham

I have no idea why I call it that. LOL I discovered some years ago that I can plant.... ideas in someone head. It's not really an idea, more like interjecting calm. I told my husband I Wiggie Whamed him.

For our honeymoon we were going to Bora Bora. Neither of us are really sun people, but we wanted to do something that was a once in a lifetime trip. I would love to go back!

I scuba dive, he never had before, so we got him certified, and I got re-certified just for the trip. He was having a hard time breathing under water. Bless his heart, he said that it was "unnatural" to breath underwater. I never really thought about, but the instructor said that many many people have the same reaction. They go under and their body just tells them to stop breathing. If you know anything about diving, you know that can be very dangerous. You never hold your breath.

We tried twice to dive in a pool and he was just extremely uncomfortable. I didn't want him to dread the dives we had planned on the honeymoon. What is the fun in that? But I really really wanted to get some dives in. I know people that have been diving for 30+ years, and have never gotten the chance to diver near Tahiti, the main island of Bora Bora.  I was trying to be patient but I was getting bumbed by the thought of no scuba diving. I wanted to share this with him also.

One night I was laying there in the bed and thought, "the hell with this, I'll just wiggie wham him." That is what I called it after that. I put my hand on the top of his head and just started pumping in calm energy. I imagined white light and calm strength coming from my hand, into his head. I kept thinking about water, the calm surface, then the first few feet down where you can see the sun light piping through. I did this over and over. Then I moved to thinking about a deep dive, all the fish we would see, the coral reefs, and seeing each other floating there suspended. I must have done that for an hour before I fell asleep.

The next day we went for another pool dive and he was completely at ease. He said it, "just went away." I wasn't sure that it would work, but it seems it did. He got certified and we did several dives in Bora Bora. It was absolutely breath taking. He would like to dive some more now.

Totalling every car I have ever owned

I have had more than my fair share of car accidents. I used to be a horrible driver. Actually I used to be a sleepy driver.

When I first went off to college I had a 1991 Geo Storm. Remember these? It cost $9,000. I'm assuming it was cheaper because it was a stick shift. It was also Teal. I had a hell of a time learning to drive it. I cried during the test drive and told my dad to take it back. He said, "sorry, it's already been paid for." YIKES! One of the few times he tried to teach me to drive it was horrible. Painful even.

I was pulled up to an incline at a stop light. I looked over and there were several boys I went to school with, in the next car. So I peeled out. Screeching tires and all. It worked out very well at that light. However, when I got back into my neighborhood I kept popping the clutch and the car would jump forward and stall. My father started jumping up and down in his seat, swinging an imaginary lasso over his head, screaming, "Yee Haa!" He did that at every stop, six blocks to home. Then I pulled into our driveway, went into the house and told my mother, "Daddy is an asshole, I'm not driving with him again." The first time I cussed in front of my parents. My mother put her foot down and he didn't go out with me again in that car. Ugh!! I think every one should know how to drive a standard, but you have to be very patient when learning and teaching it.

After I moved to California to go to school I put that car through the ringer. I was trying to pass an 18 wheeler in the rain. I hit a pot hole the very moment that the back tire of the truck threw water up into my windshield. I started hydroplaning, bumped into the truck, started spinning. Slide under the truck, I looked up and his tire was in my windshield. When he stopped I spun out again and hit the median, head on. All I could think was, "this is gonna hurt." I walked away from that accident. Had a good knot on my head and a really sore neck, but it could have been really bad. The insurance wanted to total the Geo, my dad wouldn't let them. So they actually fixed it! Rebuilt it more like it. Much later my now ex-husband slammed into a brick wall and crushed the front fender. When I traded it in a couple years later it was on three tires, a spare and still had the front all jacked up.

I got a green Mazda Protoge' after the Geo. I had it for almost three months when it was totalled. I had barely broken in the seats, gotten my radio stations right, and put goodies in the glove compartment. I was leaving work in Downtown. A lady ran a red light and t-boned me. She hit me right at the front wheel well. I slammed my head on the driver side window, then was thrown into the passengers seat. She got out of car and pryed my door open, then tried to  pull me upright. I just kept thinking, "don't move, I could have broken my back." The guy behind me finally got out of his car and started yelling at her to leave me alone, he called the police and ambulance. The he asks her, "what were you thinking, we had the green light!?" She said...... ready for it...... "I had a green light too." Uh...no. I believe I was unconscious for a few seconds. I woke up and saw my cell phone on the floor so I called my mom. I told her I had a date tonight, could she put a note on my door and let him know I was at the hospital? I went into "make everyone else feel better" mode. I kept telling I was OK. I didn't see any blood but that I was going to need to go to the hospital. I would call her back when I knew more. The firemen that pulled me out of the car were fun, as much as I remember. I was worried about them being worried about me, so I kept making jokes about my boobs falling out of my shirt. I was wearing a square neck sweater. Once they had me strapped onto the back board, I was all boobs! We were getting all loaded into the ambulances and I wasn't allowed to go the hospital I wanted to go to. The lady that hit me had a child and an elderly woman in the car with her. The old lady just had back surgery. So the mom and kid had to ride in one ambulance, and I had to ride with the old lady. Because of her recent surgery, she needed to go back to the same hospital.

Because I had just gotten that car, I got the same car. Only blue this time. I had it about two years this time. A lady was trying to cross five lanes of traffic with no stop signs. She made it past the first four lanes, but I didn't see her, I was in the last lane.  I t-boned her this time. She was in a van, so all I basically did was push her off the road. She had small children in the car with her. All the seat belts had been cut out, so they all bounced around the back. As it turns out, the cop told me she was an illegal alien, didn't speak English, and didn't have a driver's licence. Lovely. The entire front of the car was crushed in. It was totalled.

By this time I was married. We had intended to have kids so we got a bigger car this time. A Chevy Trailblazer. I loved that truck. LOVED it. Now that I think about, that was not totalled. LOL I ran into a barrier at a friends apartment, so it had a small dent in the front fender but that was it. When we became pregnant with our third child we couldn't fit another car seat into the Chevy, so we needed a mini van. ARGH!!! I always hated mini vans.

That is the car I still have. It's a Kia Sedona. It's alright. I won't buy another Kia. I miss the Chevy. I am a much better driver now.

Home of a Hoarder

I am a person of stories. Anytime something happens in my life I just say, "well, now we will have another story."

Recently my mother and I helped out a family member clear out her house before it could be sold. She is elderly and living in an assisted living facility. Her daughter had been living in her house for about a year, then left.

We had to wear haz mat suits to enter the home. Seriously, you can buy them online. Oh... the wonders you can purchase online! So we trudge into the house, covered head to toe, sprayed with copious amounts of Deep Woods OFF, and I wanted to run screaming down the street. If you have never been in the home of a hoarder, you can not fathom the depths of this mental illness. All the shows on TV that depict the hoarder, don't do the experience justice. AT ALL!

We went in the back door first, straight into the kitchen. You know the little trays that meat comes in? The ones that have that little pad to absorb the blood and juices? Those were thrown all over the floor, the table, the counter, in piles, just by themselves, I even found one in a book case. WHAT?    That was my introduction to the great hoarding mounds that my mother and I waded into. Knee deep trash through out the entire house.  I can almost understand hoarding stuff. But TRASH? I don't get that! I can't wrap my head around how a person can live like that.

The bugs. Oh my, oh my, oh my, the bugs. As you can imagine, the meat containers being only the beginning, there where bugs every where. We emptied three cans of Raid all over that house. First walking through sweeping the spray in front of us. I was wearing a mask, because I was going in first. I didn't want to breath the bug spray, let alone the other stuff in that house. The smell was really weird. It didn't exactly stink. It was a really odd, sweet, rotting smell. After a few minutes I wanted to vomit, but at first, it was just a really weird smell. Back to the bugs. I can now recognize bed bugs. These things were huge! The size of a pencil eraser, only flat. Maybe they were feeding on the meat packages? The fleas were pretty big, and the ticks, and the roaches. They all looked like some growth hormone had been leaked into the home. Some toxic waste experiment gone awry. I was, however, very surprised there were no ants. I didn't see one. Hmm.... maybe the other bugs ate them? There was also a bunch of bugs in a pile I couldn't recognize. They were on a Bible sitting on the couch, it looked like an animal had pooped on it, then it melted. This pile of pooish stuff was covered with creepy crawlies. I had a flea attach itself to my suit at one point and it became a tug of war to get it off. He wasn't budging. I had to drown him in Raid and then pull him off. He was a strong little F**ker!!

Coke made a fortune off of this lady. There were at least 100 cases of 24 cans, strewn about the house. Empty of course. If we had collected all the Coke cans around that house (again, empty) I could have taken my family of five out to dinner, maybe even two. Of course I don't know what you can get for recycling these days, and they were probably all filled with bugs anyway. Maybe I should send a picture of the coke everywhere and into the Coke people. They could use it in their advertising, "even the mental love Coke." She had them lined up on all the window sills. Reminding me of frat boys stacking beer cans.

What other horrors did we see? I took lots and lots of pictures. I knew no one would really believe me. Sadly the pictures didn't even do the experience justice. There were dirty undies all over the bedrooms and bathrooms. Filled diapers. Yep, their were small children their at one time. Feminine products all over the floor in the bathroom. Yes, used and new. She had found the good silver and was eating with them. She never washed a thing, so I'm assuming that is why she went looking for it. There were dirty plates and good silver all over the house. Half eaten food that looked like it was still dinner for bugs. The biggest piles where next to the chairs. It looked like she ate, then just dropped them where ever, and there they stayed.

Strangely enough she only smoked outside. I'm so confused by that. She took a Waterford Crystal bowl outside and used it as an ashtray. It was really disgusting. It was filled to the top with butts and then got rained on and turned into tar soup.  Oh.. I almost forgot. She thought that raccoons were cute, so she fed them canned cat food outside the back door. When she left the family of raccoons knocked out a window to get inside and look for food. I thought it was cat poop all over the house, but it was probably the raccoons. There wasn't much food in the pantry, but what there was, the raccoons knocked to the floor. I guess raccoons can't chew open cans.

I'm sure my mother and I will tell the story of this house for many many years!

It is so sad what family does to each other.

Lying to Children

Do you lie to your kids?

I have been reluctant to talk about my gifts in front of the kids or sharing stories in front of them, mostly I don't want to give them ideas. However my son sees ghosts and my daughter talks to spirits, so it is getting much harder.

The little man asks me if monsters are real, I said "no." He asks me if vampires are real, I said "no." He asks me if ghosts are real. This is where I get hung up. What am I suppose to tell him? I ended up telling him that yes, ghosts are real but they won't hurt him and he can tell them to go away if he ever feels bothered by them. We have one that hangs around my house. He is a great great uncle, or something like that. He's been around me for 25 years, so most of the time I don't even notice he is there anymore. He doesn't really make himself know. Little man told me he saw him and that he turns lights on. He described him to me, so I know that it is the same person. You may think I could be reaching here, but a man with one arm is kinda hard for a child of 4 to make up when he has never heard of a man with one arm. SOO.... Here is my child seeing ghosts and I'm trying to tell him that he needs to just tell them to go away if he feels bothered.

Not good enough. He keeps pushing me, wanting to know more about ghosts. So I told him that he would probably go his whole life without actually running into a "real" ghost. It is very rare and people are always trying to see ghosts, but most don't. I'm pretty sure that he is just manipulating me now. He has started coming down in the middle of the night, telling me he is scared of ghosts and wants to sleep with me. Then he asks if we can find a haunted hotel so we can go see a "real" ghost. I should have lied and told them they don't exist. I didn't want him to grow up thinking he is crazy, or learning to block it out though.

I guess I should say that I don't really see a corporeal form when I "see" ghosts. It is more of an impression, an energy I can feel. I catch shadows out of the corner of my eye all the time. I see movement in the dark, but that is mostly the way I "see" spirits. When I look directly at them and want to "see" them, it comes to me almost as a memory of someone I once knew. Like remembering your best friend in elementary school, you can see their face in your mind. I am assuming that my son sees them the same way. He has never come to me and said that a man is standing in the middle of his room. But, he has come and told me that Uncle George is opening his bathroom door. When I ask George to leave, because he is freaking my son out, the little man notices after a day or two and tells Uncle George to come back. So he can't be too afraid, right?

Derailed ~ Friends that aren't really like a marriage

Wow! Has is really been almost a year since I have written in here?

So where did I go you may ask.

I hope we all have those friends that you feel are almost like a marriage. You know, you feel you can get mad at each other, maybe even fight and occasionally hang up on each other, but at the end of the day.... your still friends. I thought I had several friends like that. As it turns out I have one less.

We will call my friend that is no more Pam. (not really her name) Pam and I had talked many times about the fact that we were gonna be old ladies together because even when we disagreed, the love of a real friend was still there. We got each other. We respected each others space when the other wanted to crawl in a hole for awhile and disappear. We shared everything, even some things I didn't want to know about her husband. LOL

 With my friends I don't get mad. I never get really really angry, seeing red mad. I can't. Because if I do, I lose the ability to block what is in their head, in their lives, in their homes. I can't think of anything worse to do to a friend. It's like mind rape. I never look into someones life unless invited anyway. I think that is a creepy thing to do. When I am suppose to see something, my guide will put it in front of me, but I never go looking for it. The few times I have gotten really angry with a person (not a friend), it turned out with me not being able to be their friends. I've had to keep my distance.

I thought that wouldn't happen with Pam. I was wrong. I knew when she was lying, but honestly I just didn't care. I believe that people have to live with their own lies and deceit, so who am I to judge. The one thing she did that I thought was shady she could have told me. I would have helped her figure out a way to fix it. All she had to do was trust in our friendship. That didn't happen. It got ugly. She called me stupid and other increasingly insulting names, and that is when I lost it. When I got a look in her head I was shocked. All this time I thought I had such a great friend. Instead I found out that she thought; I was in fact stupid, beneath her, close to poor white trash with too many bad habits to count, and a big push over. She told me she thought I had no integrity because I don't call people out and make them feel like squished bugs. Then she continued to lie to me. She also maliciously tried to destroy something I put a great deal of myself into. After that I guess I went into hiding (my blog included). I was angry and hurt and I couldn't understand how someone could think my friendship was worth so little. I'm a great friend, I accept people for who they are. Warts and all.

That is when I decided to walk away from the friendship. Pam and I don't talk anymore. I hear news about her from time to time and it isn't good. I feel bad for her, but I can't fix her life. I learned a long time ago, even if you are compassionate and nurturing some people can't be fixed, and some aren't worth trying. Looking back I remembered the first time I met her. I told my husband that I felt something was off with her. Too much anger and hate. I didn't listen to myself. Lesson learned.