Grounding my Anchor

This has only happened to me twice (this severely), but it so scary to me that I almost feel like I'll get lost.

I have a wall up, all.the.time. I can't walk into a crowd with the wall down, or I feel every little emotion. I used to work for someone that was very angry, which made me very angry. It took a while for me to figure that out. I can hear "loud thinkers," you all know a loud thinker. You could probably even pick them out of a crowd, they are usually people with few filters, say what ever pops into their head, and some times (not always) aren't the smartest people in the crowd.

When my wall falls down I get in trouble. I will think someone says something out loud, and they didn't. Or worse, what has happened in my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I hate to be touched when I'm sleeping. I have no idea why, but I do. The two times this has happened to me, I ended up wrapped around my husband like a Reese's monkey to it's mommy. He of course doesn't mind. LOL

This last time was much worse than the first time. I have to take pain medication sometimes. When I have had a day, when I have taken more than usual, or course I get very relaxed right before I fall asleep. I can't control my walls when I'm that relaxed.

A few nights ago, I'm about to fall asleep and the noises started. It is like the noise at a football game waiting to start, big crowds all talking at once. It literally sounds like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd. Then I start hearing people walking around the bedroom. Very very unnerving. I started to feel like I was almost floating away. It is hard to explain, but it was like the sound was a wave that hit me. That is when it gets scary. Then I hear someone walk into the room and I thought, "oh, one of the kids wants to come climb into bed with us." That happens at least twice a week.  I felt the bed move, then a little hand reached up and settled on me knee, like a child crawling up into the bed. It even felt like the right weight as one of the kid. So I opened my eyes and there was no one there.

That is when I scooted over and wrapped myself around my husband. It isn't that I expect him to protect me some these sorts of things. In fact when we watch scary movies, or ghost stories, I always see myself as the one to step in front of the scary figure to fend them off.

He anchors me. If I touch him, several times it has just been touching him with my hand, I feel like I'm grounded. I'm not going to float away. He keeps me here with the living.