When I was sick before and I had to deal with all that pain, I was very much trapped by it. You don't really see much outside of it. I had surgery that was suppose to fix my Trigeminal Neuralgia and it did for about 8 years. Then it started coming back bit by bit. Still, it is not near as bad as it used to be. I keep thinking though that I have to go through this so that my kids don't have to. I have no idea if there is any reality in that but it helps get me through.
Now I am having pain all over my body. Fibromyalgia was discussed before when I was sick, but then the TN was zeroed in on. I go to bed every night and I feel like I have one big body cramp. Everything hurts, it's slowly getting worse. So I just keep thinking that I am going through this so that my children , or even some other child, won't have to. My mother asked me if we plan out our paths before we come to Earth, then I should just be able to say "lesson learned" and moved on. Right? I don't really think it works that way.
Now this is where I get stuck in my head. If I've already done the pain thing, why as I still having it. What other lesson could I possibly be here to learn. I now know more than some Doctors and some Nurses. When I do have a reason to go to the hospital, nurses usually ask if I'm a nurse because I speak the lingo. Maybe I'm here to educate others? I know that I had a very difficult time finding a Dr that knew my condition in 1998. I printed out all of the research I did on TN and carried it around with me, so that every time I had an issue I could pull it out and say "see it is a real thing."
Then of course there is the guilt. Maybe I'm doing this to myself. Why? I have no clue. I think I am a mentally level person. I am my own kind of crazy, but my shrink says that's OK. He thinks I'm a very logical and together person. I have been psycho analyzing myself since I was 13, when I had a nervous break down. So I may just be over thinking again. I know part of my problems are the way I eat. I just ate a whole cucumber, which sounds really good. Right? Not if you have Chrones and veggies set it off. My body craves fruits and veggies, but they flush through my system so fast that I rarely get the nutrition from them that I need. That could also cause the body cramping and muscle pain. I am allergic to milk so I don't get a lot of calcium, that could also cause the body cramping and muscle pain. AND I have a thing called hyper extensive joints. My ligaments and joints are gummy. My physical therapist called me a gummi bear. In my research I found that women with this joint condition are more likely to come down with Fibromyalgia. So? AM I doing this to myself? I do take vitamins and try to eat what I can keep in me longer than 20 minutes.
I do a really good job of pretending to be pain free and feeling good most of the time. Why would I do that you may ask? People. I love my friends. I always try to make others comfortable. I try to always be compassionate to others issues. For the most part, people are uncomfortable being around someone with a chronic issue. Then of course there are the ones that think I must be an addict and/or a liar. My husband and doctor keep me on a short leash, at my request. I think that is all about guilt too.
How weird is that, that I don't do embarrassment or regret, but guilt... I guess that must be different somehow.
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